


Desolation

by rebelrsr



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers Needs a Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Gen, General Danvers Week, Not Canon Compliant, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26981830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelrsr/pseuds/rebelrsr
Summary: Alex wrestles with her guilt in the aftermath of Astra's death. Will she be able to come to terms with the truth? Or will she break under the weight of her actions?
Relationships: Astra & Alex Danvers
Comments: 13
Kudos: 16
Collections: General Danvers & Supercat Week 5





	Desolation

**Author's Note:**

> TW: there's a brief, implied mention of suicidal thoughts

Voices and music swirled around Alex. Bright lights. Colorful clothes. A syncopated carnival filled with laughter and conversation. Slumped over a corner table littered with empty glasses, she picked up the only remaining tumbler with whiskey and toasted the innocent fools around her.

If only they knew there was a killer in their midst. A cold-blooded murderer.

The booze didn’t burn anymore. She’d had too much. Lost most of the feeling in her limbs. It wasn’t enough. It might…never be enough. Alex waved at the bartender then wiggled all five fingers.

For a moment, she wondered if he’d cut her off. A frown prefaced the bartender’s nod of understanding.

She grinned in triumph. Waiting for the refills, though, took too long. Alex had nothing to do; no one to talk to. Memories slipped through the raucous noise of the bar and anchored her whiskey-soaked mind in horror.

_“You will die a warrior,” Alex heard Astra tell J’onn. She couldn’t see anything on the dark parking lot. The lights, the ones not broken or simply burned out, barely allowed her to see more than a foot in front of her._

_It was enough. The sword was heavy in her hands. Heavy and glowing. It ripped through Astra’s uniform. Her flesh._

_Easy. So easy. Alex felt no strain as she drove it deeper._

_She **heard** , though. Tearing. Sloppy wet suction. A guttural groan._

“Last round.” The words jerked Alex back. Left her reeling from more than alcohol. Glasses thudded onto the table. The waiter barely glanced at her. “You got it?” he asked. “This is it.”

Rather than answer, Alex tossed back the first shot. As she set the tumbler onto the table, the lights in the club bathed her fingers in red.

Red like Astra’s blood. She flinched.

_“…Astra, I have to tell you…” Kara’s voice wavered as she held Astra. Alex took a step toward them but J’onn held her back._

Her chair scraped across the concrete floor, sliding several feet as Alex lurched to her feet and fled. She rubbed her hands together as if to wash away a stain. The blood.

Astra’s blood.

Alex was nearly running as she hurtled out of the bar. Rain soaked her instantly. Lightning flashed and cracked overhead. Alex neither felt nor saw any of it. Stumbling down the sidewalk, Alex sought to escape the technicolor images in her mind.

Guilt and grief clung to her no matter how far she or how fast she ran. Seedy bars gave way to dilapidated storefronts and, finally, abandoned warehouses.

_“I miss them so much, Alex.” Curled up next to Alex, Kara cried._

_Not knowing what else to do, Alex wrapped an arm around her new sister and held on as tightly as she could. “Tell me about them. Start with your aunt.” Alex was kind of impressed with Astra. Kara made her sound like a complete badass._

“I’m sorry, Kara,” Alex told the wet, empty lot where she stood. Tears and rain mixed seamlessly. She sucked in harsh breaths that sounded like sobs. Why hadn’t she given Astra a chance to move away? Why did she always have to charge in with guns blazing (or, well, Kryptonite swords drawn)?

There had been a moment, when Astra had met Alex’s gaze…

Alex’s senses pinged an early warning. Even falling-down drunk, she managed to turn in a clumsy circle. Nothing moved. Every shape and shadow belonged in this crumbling industrial area.

It was probably Kara checking up on her. “Go home, Kara!” She wasn’t ready to face her sister. Not knowing the truth. Not needing to lie again about that night. About Astra. Not having to pretend everything was fine.

It wasn’t fine. Alex wasn’t fine. Nothing was fucking fine!

She was close to the water. Alex heard it lapping against wooden piles. Her steps firmed now that she had a destination, Alex reached a collection of ramshackle walkways extending into the bay. She picked one at random, dodging a few holes in the planks, and dropped down to sit at the end.

Dank, frigid water immediately soaked through the waterproofed leather of her boots and her jeans below the knees.

Alex ignored the biting cold and stared out over the dark water. The water used to be her happy place. Not this water. Even in full sun, the bay was more polluted sludge than sparkling waterway. The gloom matched her mood, though.

How could she admit the truth to Kara? Kara was so angry at J’onn because he’d taken the blame for Alex. She wouldn’t survive if Kara turned that rage on _her_.

She deserved Kara’s anger. Maybe what she didn’t deserve, Alex thought, was to survive.

“You must not go into the water.”

Alex whipped around at the unexpected comment and attempted to climb to her feet at the same time. Unfortunately, heavy drinking paired with too much time soaking in the rain turned her muscles uncooperative and uncoordinated.

One cold-numbed foot caught the edge of the dock. Alex’s arms windmilled uselessly as gravity pulled her toward the bay. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, already cringing from the cold embrace of the water below.

A hand gripped her jacket collar, and the breath exploded from her lungs in surprise. “Kara!” It had to be. No one else moved that fast – or would be stalking Alex in the middle of the night in a downpour.

Kara laughed. “You are very drunk, Brave One.”

“That’s not fucking funny!” Alex thrashed against Kara’s hold. She might be drunk, wet, and dangling over the grimy bay, but she didn’t deserve to be mocked (and hurt) like that.

“My apologies, Agent Danvers.” Kara towed Alex along the dock until they were safely on the tarmac. “I was not laughing at you, only at you confusing me with my niece. It has been years since anyone accused me of radiating that level of youthful enthusiasm.”

Whether from the cold and rain or the fear of falling off the dock, Alex was one hundred percent sober now. The single working light attached to a nearby warehouse did little to help Alex as she stared at the woman still holding onto her jacket.

Height. Build. Superspeed and strength. They matched Kara’s.

The voice and military carriage did not.

“You’re dead.” Alex closed her eyes and shook her head to clear away the hallucination.

The hand around her jacket slowly eased. “I assure you, Brave One, I am not.”

Frantically searching her pockets, Alex yanked out her phone. The tiny flashlight beam cut through the night. Dark eyes. Dark hair with a stripe of white.

Alex felt the ground rush at her as Astra’s ghost shouted her name.

* * *

With a groan, Alex rolled over and blinked up at the ceiling. She’d been far more drunk than she realized. She had no memory of getting home. She hadn’t even managed to take off her soaked clothes, only wrap up in the blanket she kept on the back of the couch.

“Good! You are awake.”

Alex tried to jump to her feet – and rolled off the couch instead.

Standing near the dining room table, Astra regarded Alex with a raised brow. “Perhaps drinking to excess is not wise. You are not as competent a soldier as I remember.”

The blanket clung to Alex’s sodden jeans until she managed to fight free. “You’re not as dead as I remember.” Now that she could see Astra clearly, Alex realized the general might be alive and breathing, but she wasn’t well.

Beneath Astra’s stoic expression, Alex glimpsed pain. She’d seen it before when Lucy’s idiot father shot her full of Kryptonite. Astra’s stance wasn’t as rigid, either. Her shoulders slumped the slightest bit.

Memories warred with the physical evidence in her apartment. “How…?” Alex stumbled closer then stopped when Astra flinched away. “I stabbed you. The fucking blade went all the way through you!”

And there had been so much blood. Alex saw it every nightmare and flashback as it pooled beneath Astra, dripped from the blade, and coated Alex’s hands and clothes and face.

“Brave One. Alex.” Astra’s hands covered Alex’s, blotting out the sight and smell of blood. “By Rao’s grace, I am alive.” She smiled at Alex’s continued confusion, highlighting her resemblance to Kara. “I was never dead. You began the healing by removing the Kryptonite sword from my body. It was enough, despite the way the blade poisoned my blood, that I clung to life. When Non placed me in the funeral pod, and the Light of Sol brightened my journey into Rao’s arms, I was able to heal more quickly.”

The room blurred. Alex pressed a hand over her mouth, failing to hold in the harsh, racking sobs.

Astra was alive. She hadn’t killed Kara’s aunt. She hadn’t…hadn’t…

Strong arms wrapped around Alex. “I was your first kill. I had not realized.” Astra rocked Alex. “No matter that I am alive, your soul will always bear a stain.” She cupped Alex’s chin. “You are strong enough to survive this. To shoulder the burden of sending another’s soul to Rao, Alex. It will take time, but I believe in you, Brave One.”

The certainty in Astra’s voice and gaze wormed their way past Alex’s lingering self-doubt. Her breathing, still choppy, slowly evened.

“We must call Kara.”

Jesus! Kara! “She’s going to be so happy.” Alex patted her pockets before spotting both her official DEO phone and her personal phone on the coffee table. “I can’t wait to tell her you’re here.”

Astra followed Alex into the living room. “Our reunion must take a back seat to duty, Agent Danvers. While I am happy to have rescued you from a midnight swim, my original mission was to provide intelligence on Non’s plans.”

“Fucking _A_.” Grabbing her DEO phone, she called the Command Center. “This is Danvers. Scramble Trap One and recall the Director and Supergirl. I’ll be there in fifteen with a new asset.” She ended the call and turned to Astra. “Kara can get to the desert base in ten minutes flat.”

Wind and the tinkle of breaking glass prefaced Astra’s boast. “You’ve traveled with me before, Brave One. Kara is no match for me.”


End file.
